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| The final light of the day between Horseriders and Bluff |
Coming into Bluff at mile 56.5 already after 10pm, I knew I was done. I wouldn't be making it to the 100k cutoff. That aid station is a bit of a blur, almost as if it were in slow motion in the dark. I knew Caolan would be there and I hugged her tight as I cried. (well you can't really cry when you have no tears to cry). Then, I realized Andrea was there too, asking what I needed. I remember turning around again and seeing Annie there and breaking down as she was supposed to meet me at the 100k, that I knew I wouldn't get past. There were others that surrounded me, I don't even know who they were. But they were all part of the trail tribe, trying to comfort and console me. Maybe they thought I was quitting there as I came to find out that lots of people dropped at this aid station. They were all there and I remember saying, "We need to go, I need to finish the 100k."
So, Caolan, Annie, and myself moved on towards the finish. It's a long 7.4 miles through a bit more meadow, hills, valleys, and darkness. I regret not looking up at the stars, as the sky was crystal clear and brilliant. I flipped between sweating and freezing as we moved up and down that part of the trail. Even during that section I still continued with ups and downs. I could move, it wasn't my legs. Sure they were tired, but they were still able to power hike. It was my feet. Blisters had formed under toes, in the ball of both feet and on one ankle. And I was getting dehydrated again. I could feel it with every tiny sip I forced out of my water bottles.
But there was comfort in those last 7.4 miles and I reflected on the life I lived in those previous 56.5 miles.So let me back up and tell the rest of the story.
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| Packet Pick Up Photo Credit: Caolan MacMahon |
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| Pre-race Photo. I was so happy to be there! Jennifer Thorsen Photography |
Finally on June 12, 2021 the race would finally happen. I was a bit undertrained because of some sort of non-covid virus I had at the end of March where I coughed for 10 days straight, dislocating ribs from coughing and having some serious intercostal muscle strain. I am thankful that I have Lindsay, my fabulous PT at Beyond Physical Therapy, and Patrick, my friend and chiropractor! Then at the end of April, I found out that I am anemic which resulted in a EDG and colonoscopy the week before the race. Did I use these reasons as an excuse on how things went? Maybe? I don't know.
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| My hopes and dreams still alive for the 100 miler Photo Credit: Caolan MacMahon |
The race started at 6am. The air was thick with humidity as you could see the moisture filled sunbeams through the trees. The first 7.4 miles clicked along and as I made it through Bluff, I texted Caolan and told her I was through. She asked my pace...13:44. Her response "excellent."
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| You could see the humidity in the air on Nordic |
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| Melissa and I heading up the hill as the rays surrounded us Photo Credit: Jennifer Thorsen Photography |
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| Bald Bluff |
From Bluff to McMiller though, things got rough. I shared some miles with Melissa as we both felt the heat and disappointment that Bluff didn't have ice on our way out. The tree covered path did not provide relief from the heat and humidity. It embraced you and suffocated you slowly as the air wasn't moving and you could visibly see the moisture in the air. Near Natalie's aid station I did a full on superman into the grass. I felt my head whip back as I hit the ground. I rolled over, got up and walked a bit to assess any damage. Aside from a headache (my head never hit) I was okay. However, by the time, I got to McMiller, I was dehydrated, sore, and crabby. I wasn't peeing but the urge was constant and painful. I saw Caolan waiting for me as I came around the corner. We got to the chair and I plopped down. Caolan shoved some Infinit in my hand and said DRINK!!! I half seriously, half joking said I wanted to quit. Scotty and Holly came over to help. My feet were dried as best as they could and Holly helped me change socks, while Scott gave me words of encouragement to get out of his aid station. I think I tried to quit again, but Caolan shoved me out of the aid station and said see you at 67! After a few miles, I started feeling better. The low had left, and my energy returned.
Then the meadows. I know how hot those meadows can get and I was dreading them. But strangely enough, those were some of my best miles of the day. There was a bit of cloud cover, a slight breeze, and I was able to run/walk through them. At every aid station I filled my sleeves and bandana with ice. Refilled my hydration and kept moving. I knew I should be eating real food, but my body had told me at some point, "You can let me try and keep you cool, or you can eat food, but you CANNOT do both!" So I made the decision that the liquid calories, gels, occasional bites of chips and Coke would have to be enough until the temps dropped later in the evening.
Hwy 67 was a buzz of activity. A routine had settled in. I'd sit, Caolan would help me with my feet, fill my bottles, and I would think how lucky I was that she was there. At some point, Andrea, shoved a popsicle in my hand, filled my sleeves and bandana with ice, I was SOOO sick of being wet all day, and off I went out of the aid station.
The trail up to Scuppernong and the Scuppernong loop was a living hell. There was so much climbing and the sun had reached the peak and it must have been hottest part of the day. The air was completely still within the tree canopy and my ice had melted within a few miles. I could feel the trees closing in around me, squeezing and suffocating whatever positive thoughts I had out of me. Thoughts of a DNF began to creep in. Ultra Math at this point is hard and pointless, but I tried it anyway. I just wanted to be done.
Finally I saw Caolan, in her bright neon green shirt. I yelled something to the effect "I'm coming! I'll get there!" We walked to the car, I sat down and the routine of filling bottles, drinking liquids, and foot triage continued. This stop took a bit longer. My feet were really getting bad at this point. Rubbing alcohol poured over them allowed for some of the moisture to be absorbed but the hot spots were there. I could feel them and hoped that my feet would hold up. Off I went again.
On my way back to 67, I know knew I was more than halfway back to the 100k mark. My feet grew some wings and I ran the whole section (which was downhill) feeling refreshed. I bounced into 67 and received some very surprised looks, having reached the aid station quickly. This was a quicker stop with bottles filled, words of encouragement given, some chips stuffed in my vest, and off I went back to the meadows.
The meadows were still a bit of a relief from the rest of the course. The sun was hot, but even the hot breeze helped in it's own strange way. I was once again able to run/walk this section. The horse flies were out, but they weren't terrible and apparently the tape I had on my hat was backwards, so it wasn't helping anyway! Finally I started passing people. Then suddenly I needed to go! NOW! All of the liquid I had been consuming to combat the dehydration had made it's way through my system. I searched frantically for a tree. Nothing. Okay, I'll try and make it to the next tree section, so I began to walk faster. Now the thing about trail running, you kind of lose your sense of decorum and filter on what you say. As I was passing this woman, suddenly the flood gates opened! There was nothing I could do. the stream flowed down my leg into my shoes, and all I could say was "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! I'm peeing my pants! Oh wait, I'm still peeing! Sorry! SORRY! SORRY!" all while laughing at the absurdness of it all. I took out my extra water bottle, rinsed off as best as I could, all while not missing a step!
Back at McMiller, I laughed and informed Caolan that I would need a towel to sit on as there was an incident in the meadow. I removed my shoes and socks and told her now was a good time for new shoes. I also knew then that the cutoff was really close and since my watch mileage was off, I no longer knew what my average pace was, so I tried once again to do ultra math with the time of day. But throughout the day, Caolan kept telling me, it's all still possible and she would see me at Bluff! I vowed to myself kept moving as fast as I could, just in case I made it with enough time to get back out. The whisper of the 100 mile finish may have gotten quieter, but it hadn't died......
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| So many long, steep hills on McMiller loop |
I now find myself back in the Nordic loop with Caolan and Annie. We tell stories to each other, laugh, and reflect on a day that didn't go as planned. They wait for me as I gingerly walk up and down each hill. We cheer on the runners going back out for the 100 miler. At some point, Tricia comes flying at me (I'm not even sure which way she was going!) pinches my butt, and brings another smile back to my face. Tricia was my cheerleader/jeerleader for the day. I'm not sure how she did it, but I swear she was at every single crewed aid station cheering and jeering me on and lying to my face telling me how awesome I looked!
With about a mile to go, Andrea joined us. She had walked out from Nordic to help bring me in. My tribe was there. These people were there just for me at that moment. They took time from their busy lives to help me reach my goal. I know I will never be able to communicate how much this meant to me.
At 12:41am with a finish time of 18:41:57 I complete my longest distance of 100k. Carrie quickly comes over, congratulates me, and hands Michelle a 100k buckle to hand to me. Michele looks at me, and I quickly respond, "No, I'm done. I can't go back out." It turns out she was still letting people head out to go on if they wanted to. I knew I couldn't do another 12 hours of this. She hands me my buckle, I inform her that this is my distance PR, so she instructs me to go and ring the PR bell, which I did.
I sit down at an aid station for the last time. Broth is put in my hand, a blanket is wrapped around me as I start shivering. We continue with some small talk, but both Annie and Andrea have other runners to help attend to as their job was done with me. Hugs and thank you were exchanged, and Caolan and I walked slowly to the car. The running was over, now I had to deal with the emotions of the aftermath.
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| Success or Failure? Photo credit: Andrea Webb |
So did I succeed or fail? Fail or succeed? I am still processing those thoughts days later. I don't know if I will ever have an answer for this question. I don't know if I will ever attempt this again. What I do know is that I have people who love me, care deeply for me, celebrate and grieve with me.
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| Photo Credit: Susan Donnelly |
"Big challenges bring big emotions no matter how they turn out. Most people spend their lives avoiding these feelings and avoiding the challenges that may precipitate these feelings. You know, that quote on your profile picture (see photo above) is never an end-state, a goal, it's a process." ~Caolan MacMahon
Special Thanks:
To my husband and family, thank you for understanding the time and commitment that these endeavors take. Thanks for allowing me to be gone for hours training as you hold down the fort. Thanks for allowing the housework to fall to the wayside, and not complain too much. Thank you for cheering me on and loving me, with my crazy and all!
Annie, thank you for coming to pace me. We didn't even know each other very well when I asked if you would. You were willing to take time from your busy life and training to help me try and achieve my goal. Even when you knew I wouldn't make the cutoff, you were there at Bluff to support me and help me get to the finish.
Andrea, thank you for keeping your promise that I wouldn't die (LOL!). I knew when you saw me, you were assessing and making sure I was good to keep going. You are selfless and will do anything to help others do really hard shit! Someday I hope to repay you.
Caolan, I will always treasure the memories that I was able to share this amazing and terrible experience with you. The love I have for you is indescribable. You are my friend, coach, mentor, sister, inspiration, and shining light on things that are possible. Your coaching and support helped me get to the start line with the ability to finish something I would have never thought possible or attempted. You traveled over 1000 miles just for me. You spent your entire day caring for me, coordinating supplies, keeping everyone in the loop. You believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself. I will never be able to express my gratitude for all the years that you have been my friend.
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| Caolan and I photo credit: Vivian Briscoe |
