Am I Enough?

Am I Enough?

People assume I'm an extrovert, and according to the Google dictionary, an extrovert "an outgoing, overtly expressive person," so I guess I am...sometimes.  But if you look very closely, I don't fit in all the time. I flit and fly from one group and conversation to another, never really settling into a group or conversation for too long. Almost like I'm trying too hard (maybe I am?) Why is that?  I've asked myself this question over and over again, and I seem to come back to the same answer. I'm not enough..I'm not enough for them to invite me unless social convention dictates that they should.  Reality? I have no idea, but that's what I see. To be honest though, I don't think I'm as outgoing as people think I am.  I don't like big crowds or several groups of people in a small environment. It's too much for me, it overwhelms my senses and exhausts me emotionally and physically. I want to just run and hide!

One day I was sitting in an interview and I was asked "What was the one area that I felt I needed to work on the most?' My strange and sudden response was "I need to work on being less "Sandra." I went on to explain that I tend to be too much for people to know what to do with. I'm passionate about so many things, I talk a lot, I am loud, I feel all the feels, and yet on a daily basis, I wonder to myself "Am I enough?" See the conflicts going on here?

But the feeling of am I enough is something that goes back as far as I can remember. I've always been a bit of a perfectionist. Not in the clean room, everything tidy kind of way, but in the I have to be perfect for those around me. But I've always felt like I've never been really good at anything, and thus I have always wondered "Am I enough?"

Am I enough of a wife, a daughter, a mom, a co-worker, a teacher, a runner, a friend.... I can't seem to stop asking that question over and over, and I think now, finally, at this point in my life, I need to change this thought process.

I need to stop needing and expecting others to tell me (over and over again) that I am enough, and see it for myself. It's hard, I'm not the best company when it's just me, myself, and I. I have lots of negative talk that permeates my mind throughout each day. It affects my friendships in a negative way. It has changed things, which makes me sad.  It's NOT because I don't trust what they are saying,  they're lying to me, but because I don't see myself as worthy of the trust, love, and confidence that they have in me. I'm not enough to be a true friend. This negativity affects my view of myself, and stops me from doing scary things and amazing things.

Now, why does this matter to me when it comes to running? Why do I need to do something with this now, more so than ever?  I'm training for my first 50 miler, and that thought of "Am I enough?" shows it's ugly self all the time.  If I let this thought creep in and fester, then I'll fail. THAT THOUGHT TERRIFIES ME! Yes, I may DNF, or not meet goals that I may set. That is a reality of ultrarunning, but that's not the failure that I'm referring to. I'm talking about the failure that I gave up, that I was not enough, when I shouldn't have. I'm afraid of letting friends down that have supported and believed in me, especially if I don't believe in myself.  That feels weird. It feels conceited, arrogant, and a bit self-absorbed, but I know that in ultrarunning, you have to be a bit of all these things to need to be to accomplish these big goals. 

Me: "I don't want to do this anymore, I want to quit"
Jenna: "It's okay to feel that way, it's what you do with that feeling that matters!"
(Ice Age 50k, May 2016)

A special gift. One of my favorite quotes

I am starting to see the change, be it ever so slight. Over and over again I surprise myself during training, on what I've been able to do. I know a few years, maybe even a few months ago, I would have come up with excuses not to head out. I haven't. I've laced on my shoes, I've gotten out the door, and I've done what I set out to do.  I need to let that stubbornness and determination continue to be my guide. Will there be setbacks? Probably, I'm human, and I'm scared.  Will I still need my friends to help me out, when I don't have the energy or belief in myself? Of course I will, and I hope they are there for me, but maybe they will have more patience and energy to help me during these tougher times. 

So now, instead of thinking and saying "Am I enough?" I will try to use the words "I am enough." Even if something goes wrong.....

~Dedicated to those that believe in me, 

even when I don't always believe in myself