Fly..... Potowatomi 50 Miler

Bracelet from Riyanti
December 2017
Quote by: Erin Hanson

The night before my first 50 miler at packet pick-up, I thought there was no way I could do this. I doubted myself, and came up with every excuse I could think of as to why I would fail. The weather was awful, this course was tough, It was cold, it was windy, it was miserable, and I wasn't sure I wanted to try. Then I thought about all the months of training, all the time away from family and friends....all the miles. I had to try, so I decided to put my faith and trust to the test.....

Sushi dinner courtesy of Riyanti's sushi making skills

Race day morning, the alarm goes off at 4:30am. Of course I'm already up since I didn't sleep well. Who sleeps before a race anyway? The temperature was at about 18 degrees, with a "real feel" at 11 degrees. Thankfully the wind had died down and the forecast was for sunny skies, but still cold. So I put on all my winter layers. My thought; by around noon, I'd be able to change into something less "cold weatherish" (what a cute little thought there).

Welcome to McNoughton Park

Cold! but at least it wasn't windy!

I had arrived at McNoughton Park around 5:30am with my crew and pacers, Jenna and Riyanti. The 200 milers, 150 milers, and the early starters had already begun (I couldn't even imagine the weather they had dealt with for the last 48-hours). We stood around the fire trying to stay warm, and I soaked in what I was about to undertake. Five loops, I just kept telling myself, you have "only" five loops, don't think of it as 50 miles, that won't work! Jessica was running her first 50 miler today too, so her and I meandered over to the crowd of people getting the pre-race talk and settled in to the back of the start line waiting for things to begin.....

Temperatures for the Day

Trying to stay warm at the fire

Here we go!

At exactly 6:00am, we were off! Across a field and into the woods. It was a bit like a train, just a line of runners trying to get the feel for the terrain and the course. Some passed, some fell in line, and I just moved forward. Then the course opened into a bit of a field, where people who needed to get ahead could. Jessica and I just moved along chatting and finding a somewhat comfortable pace. I knew we'd be at this all day, so I didn't rush. A mile or so more around the field, and I headed back into the woods and came upon the first hill. It was certainly a bit of a surprise! The hill went up steep and quick, and so the power hiking started early. Then a bit more single track, and I came out of the next set of woods, up a grassy hill, and what did I see on the right? The start/finish line about 100 yards or so away. Unfair I thought! Not only do I have to go through the start/finish five times, I have to see it five times more on top of that? UGH!

Back into the woods I went. Sometimes, I would lead, sometimes Jessica would lead, it seemed to work for us. We still had a train of people behind us, which tends to make me nervous and go too fast, so I did let them pass. Up and through the single track for the next few miles.

As I approached the first aid station I looked to the right and I got a view of a most beautiful sunrise. This was worth the 4:30am wake-up!

Sunrises make me so very happy! And clear sky is a bonus!

I arrived at the Totem Pole aid station, at about 3.2 miles. I grabbed just a plain piece of bread there. I had not eaten breakfast (lovely nerves!), so just getting something in my stomach was important. I knew that I was going to keep water in my bottles all day and just add nuun for electrolytes. I had also decided if I just eat something, even if it was little at each aid station, I would at least be fueling and getting calories in. This was going to be my plan for the day, and supplementing with gels if needed.

I continued on until around mile four, when I got to the first water crossing. That is certainly one way to wake up your feet! It was cold and around calf deep. For the next six miles, my feet were wet! This pattern would continue for the next six miles: dry for four miles, wet for six miles!

First water crossing at mile 4
(picture was during loop 3)

After the first river crossing, I noticed that the terrain started to change. The sides of the hills started to creep higher and higher as I descended lower and lower. The trees were tall and majestic, but still thin enough to bend with the breeze. I ran along the river and could hear the gurgling of the water (I think it was laughing at me). Although I was in the woods almost the whole race and you couldn't see far, it was gorgeous. I couldn't imagine how pretty this place would be once everything had woke from it's winter slumber. But I was snapped back to reality quickly! I came upon Golf Hill! DAMN! It was steep. There was a pretty thick rope wrapped around the trees to help you climb up. Many will tell you that you don't need the rope! I am telling you otherwise. These short little legs could NOT get up over the tree roots without it! The worst part, the rope only helped you up halfway up that hill! Caroline had mentioned that miles four through six were probably the hilliest and toughest. She was certainly not lying! The hills were either straight up or straight down! There were no switchbacks, or easy way to get up or down them, so I just had to climb one way or the other to get through.

At mile six, you coming to Heaven's Gate aid station. This was the Flatlanders aid station, manned by Scott Kummer, from Ten Junk Miles. I quickly introduced myself and looked for something to eat, I grabbed a chocolate chip cookie and I was on my way again through the lollipop loop. This loop was another 1 mile loop that fondly reminded me of leg-bone at Veteran Acres, so I was able to pick-up my pace a bit and run along the ridge, which was situated above the river once again. As I finished up the last little bit of this section, I was taunted by another steep hill that I had to climb before coming back to Heaven's Gate, where I tried to grab and eat some gummy worms, which just happened to be frozen. 

The next two miles consisted of more single track and hills, where you then saw a sign letting you know you were coming to the second river crossing. I was happy to see that there were rocks above the water-line, so I thought I could balance my way, and save my feet from getting cold and more wet than they already were. What a mistake I made. As I balanced my way across the last section, I hit a slippery rock and WHAM I hit the water! Both hands and knees hit the icy cold water, and I felt a sharp pain in my right knee as a corner of a rock caught it in just the right spot. Someone asked if I was okay. "Of course!" I said, "I've already started icing my knee!" Scurrying up the muddy bank, I proceeded on towards the end of the first loop. I only had a mile to go and I thought, no problem, just another mile! Right before you finish your loop, there's another beast of a hill that you must climb before you can get on the path to the tent city!

Hi Honey! I'm back! One loop down! 

Lap one was done! Now the way Potowatomi is set up, you actually stop at your "camp" before you officially finish your lap. My crew was ready for me, but since there was no live tracking, I had sent them a message with about two miles left of the loop. This way they had an idea of where I was. My feet were cold and wet, and my biggest fear was getting blisters, so off came the wet stuff!

End of Loop One: 2:45:10

I put a new layer of Trail Toes on, dry socks, and dry shoes. I decided to leave my winter clothing on, as the temperature had only gone up a few degrees and I was chilly more often then I was hot. Threw a gel in my vest (which I couldn't find later, too many pockets?), grabbed a pancake for on the go, and I was off on lap two with Jessica again.

Now one would think that lap two would be really close to lap one in a ten mile loop. They're not! Food at the aid stations continued to be frozen, so you had to be careful what you bit into or you could break a tooth. I found pickle juice shots at Totem pole, and I knew that would help keep the twinges of cramps under control. Somehow at mile six, right before Heaven's Gate a magical
Port-o-Potty had appeared with a full-supply of toilet paper. It was glorious! It was still bone-chilling cold so a half a cup of coffee at Heaven's Gate helped in warming me up a bit. The river was still freezing cold, and after I crossed the first one, I was completely annoyed as I had to stop several times as the insoles of my shoes kept floating to the tops and up against the tips of my toes! 

The sun had come up and was shining brightly and even though the temps were still in the low 20's, sunlight does it's job. It melts things! The firm frozen dirt of the trail became a mud-filled slip and slide. You didn't run as much as the first loop and the hills became treacherous and difficult. It was bound to happen and I fell. I was coming down a steep descent after Golf hit and I lost control. SPLAT! Into the mud, and down the hill I went. I may have even bounced off of a tree or two. My entire left side was covered in mud and I think I hit my hands and elbow on a tree root. Needless to say, I was not in as chipper of a mood when I came into the tent city! 

How a crew passes the time while
their runner is "out there"
Loop two time: 3:09:11

I know it added time, but I was determined to keep the blisters away, so I changed shoes, socks, and insoles once again. My original plan was to try and do three loops without any of my pacers, but I knew Jenna was eager to jump in, Jessica had already left for loop three, and misery loves company, so I tagged her in. I about died laughing when I saw how giddy she was about getting out there. It was refreshing and gave me some new energy. I could now play tour guide on the loop and let her have the fun of seeing things for the first time!

Loop 3 ready to go!

Off we went again on loop three. Once again, the trail had morphed a bit. The slippery muddy sections had started to dry, so it wasn't quite as treacherous, and I didn't have to worry about taking a digger. The hills had started taking it's toll on my legs, and I knew I was moving slower. I also started to notice that the steep ups and steep downs were getting more difficult as the pain in my knee from the loop one fall increased in intensity. Stopping was never an option, slowing down was, so I did. I took the lead and ran when I could and walked when I had to. At one point, I looked at my watch and saw that I was at 25 miles. I whined, "UGH I've got 25 more miles to go!!!" Jenna's classic response, "But you've gone 25 miles already!" I think I may have thrown an expletive at her for that one!

Jenna kept me company and we chatted away, however, I no longer recall how much we talked or what we actually talked about. Which is nothing again Jenna, just my state of mind at that point. Finally, as we got to the final river crossing a lady made a comment about the river being different, which confused Jenna. Actually it was different, I explained every time we did a loop, the river had been rising. In addition, someone had added new rocks and tree branches in an effort to make a bridge to cross. I did not get my feet wet on loop three at this crossing because of that!

Golf Hill! The rope stops halfway up!
You still have to go the rest of the way!

Exact spot where I fell on loop one.
This is loop three.

Loop three in the books. Now on to loop four. This time I added K-tape to my right knee to provide some extra support as it was really starting to give me fits. Another change of shoes, insoles, socks, food and off Riyanti and I went into the forest. Again I got to be a tour guide, which I was getting quite good at since this would be the fourth time I saw things. 

Riyanti and I starting loop four
Loop Three time: 3:17:00

Riyanti and I had a lovely loop, if one can say that 30 miles into a 50 miler?! We started out and enjoyed the sights and sounds of the early miles. The view was still spectacular and I really started falling into a love/hate relationship with this course. The mud was almost gone, the weather was still cold, and the sun was shining, as it had been all day. I had never changed out of my fleece tights or removed any of my 3 layers on top or my gloves, but I was comfortable in the layers I had. So a cute Skirt Sports picture was not going to happen today. As we reached Totem Pole, I received a phone call from Caolan (I had called earlier but no answer). It was so nice to hear her voice and her encouraging words. She gave me gentle reminders on how eating and drinking were important and to keep doing what I was doing. One of the aid station volunteers teased me about being on the phone, so I responded, "I'm just using my phone-a-friend life-line." Caolan and I did a quick run-down of how things felt and talking to her gave me some additional positive energy and I was ready to move on. Another shot of pickle juice and we were off.

The river had definitely risen, or at least just appeared to be higher (ultra brain?), and Riyanti and I trudged through it. This time however, I noticed something different as I came out of the water. I couldn't figure it out. Suddenly Riyanti says, "I think I have ice in my shoes!" That was it! The water from the river had turned to ice as soon as we exited the water. Yep! It was cold out. Thankfully the ice melted and the cold water warmed up quickly with our body heat. However, once again I suffered with the insoles sliding up into the toes of the shoes! 

For the rest of the lap, I continued to take the lead and ran what I could and walked the rest. I knew I wasn't going to be able to run for much longer. Riyanti could see that the ups and down were becoming very painful, so she suggested that during the last lap I take a trekking pole to help me navigate these steep spots. Riyanti continued to be my amazing and positive company. We chatted as we took in the gorgeous views of the hills and valleys and made our jokes about how this is our little Barkley Marathons, but without book pages or getting lost. The course was getting familiar so I knew when the next hill was coming or the next steep down, and we just kept moving, "smiling," and talking.

We reached the end of loop four and I was hoping that Jenna could join me for the last. Thankfully she did and was still eager to do so (crazy friend). Since Riyanti had to drive us home the next day, we agreed that her doing two laps in a row was probably not a wise decision, but we would text her at two miles out and she would come out there and meet us. She even offered to take down the tent and pack things up. (She would regret that decision I think!)

Start of loop Five
Loop Four time: 3:18:41

Last change of shoes, insoles, socks, layer of Trail Toes, one trekking pole and headlamps and we were off. The sun was just starting to set, so we had maybe an hour of daylight left. As we entered into the first field, we saw a whole herd of deer. Now when one is on mile 40 of 50 miles, quantity of things get blurred. I believe there might have been around eight to ten in that group. Jenna stopped for a picture, but I had to keep moving, I could no longer stop or things would freeze up, so I continued on, knowing she would catch up. As we entered into the second field and again past the power lines, we saw two more large groups of deer. They were out in full force, enjoying the little bits of green grass that were popping up. I want to say we probably saw 25 in all. 

Another call to Caolan, just for some extra motivation, but the connection wasn't as good. The conversation was choppy, at best, but I was at least able to hear her say something to the effect of "Almost there! Keep moving!"

As the sun went down and the headlamps went on, we heard in the distance a huge owl waking up and hooting through the forest. At this point, the forest took on a whole new view. You had a general idea of what mile you were at because you knew where the aid stations were, but the familiar trail no longer looked familiar, you heard sounds and people across the distance.  you could see the glow from another runner's headlamp, either above you or below you, so you could guess if an uphill or downhill was coming. However, I was no longer running. In fact, I hadn't run a step in all of lap five. For this lap though, I pulled out my secret weapon, power walking with grim determination. There is no other way to describe it. I just put my head down and go as fast as I can walk. I used the trekking poles on the ups and downs, and just kept moving with all my might the rest of the time. I don't remember saying much on this lap, except several "fuck you's" to many big hills that I would not have to see again.

I just wanted to be done, I was tired, I was in pain, and I could no longer regulate my temperature anymore. I was so cold, so stopping at the aid stations were no longer an option. I had to just keep moving. At one point I felt my sugar dropping and things were getting wavy, so I grabbed a gel from the pack and choked it down with some water. Just enough to get me to the finish, that was all I cared about. 

Things don't look the same in the dark!
Photo credit: Rick Albanese

I knew Jenna was still there because I could here her footsteps behind me, and occasionally the sound of her feet jogging to catch up. She had been texting Riyanti, but there was no response, so I wasn't sure if she was getting the messages to come out to meet us. A bit after we crossed the last river, I saw a headlamp in the distance, and it was coming towards us. "Marco!" I yelled. No response. A bit further "MARCO!" Jenna yelled, and we heard it "POLO!" Riyanti had found us! They were both going to bring me in to the finish. 

As we are trudging through the last mile, the cold fog rolled in. Things became really hard to see and reality gets a bit distorted. I must have been confused as to where we were. We had gone up a really steep hill, and I was whining that we still had one more hill to get up, and I didn't want to do it. Suddenly, around a corner, I saw it; Tent City. We were there. Excitedly, I said, "That was a pleasant surprise! We already went up THAT hill!" 

I handed my trekking pole off to Riyanti as we passed our tent, and I began to run. I saw it! The finish line! I just need to get there, cross the line, and be done! I had done it! 50 miles! DONE! Now I needed to get in the car and warm up! (I would have my beer as soon as we got to the hotel!)

DONE!
last loop: 3:21:18
Total Time: 15:51:20

Sometimes things that seem impossible become possible because you took that leap of faith and trust. It may take you longer to figure it you, but your friends and family know what you are capable of...

~"BUT, you have what it takes and, you will do this. When I finished kettle with you last year that's when I really saw it. Be you. Be amazing. Do hard shit. That's just what we do, right?"  ~Caolan

You have to learn to trust your body, your mind, your heart, and your soul. And when you do finally let go, and take that jump into a scary, unknown place... you can fly!

Special thanks to Caolan, Jenna, Riyanti, and Bruce for encouraging me, supporting me, and helping me reach my goal! Thank you is not enough! 

Am I Enough?

Am I Enough?

People assume I'm an extrovert, and according to the Google dictionary, an extrovert "an outgoing, overtly expressive person," so I guess I am...sometimes.  But if you look very closely, I don't fit in all the time. I flit and fly from one group and conversation to another, never really settling into a group or conversation for too long. Almost like I'm trying too hard (maybe I am?) Why is that?  I've asked myself this question over and over again, and I seem to come back to the same answer. I'm not enough..I'm not enough for them to invite me unless social convention dictates that they should.  Reality? I have no idea, but that's what I see. To be honest though, I don't think I'm as outgoing as people think I am.  I don't like big crowds or several groups of people in a small environment. It's too much for me, it overwhelms my senses and exhausts me emotionally and physically. I want to just run and hide!

One day I was sitting in an interview and I was asked "What was the one area that I felt I needed to work on the most?' My strange and sudden response was "I need to work on being less "Sandra." I went on to explain that I tend to be too much for people to know what to do with. I'm passionate about so many things, I talk a lot, I am loud, I feel all the feels, and yet on a daily basis, I wonder to myself "Am I enough?" See the conflicts going on here?

But the feeling of am I enough is something that goes back as far as I can remember. I've always been a bit of a perfectionist. Not in the clean room, everything tidy kind of way, but in the I have to be perfect for those around me. But I've always felt like I've never been really good at anything, and thus I have always wondered "Am I enough?"

Am I enough of a wife, a daughter, a mom, a co-worker, a teacher, a runner, a friend.... I can't seem to stop asking that question over and over, and I think now, finally, at this point in my life, I need to change this thought process.

I need to stop needing and expecting others to tell me (over and over again) that I am enough, and see it for myself. It's hard, I'm not the best company when it's just me, myself, and I. I have lots of negative talk that permeates my mind throughout each day. It affects my friendships in a negative way. It has changed things, which makes me sad.  It's NOT because I don't trust what they are saying,  they're lying to me, but because I don't see myself as worthy of the trust, love, and confidence that they have in me. I'm not enough to be a true friend. This negativity affects my view of myself, and stops me from doing scary things and amazing things.

Now, why does this matter to me when it comes to running? Why do I need to do something with this now, more so than ever?  I'm training for my first 50 miler, and that thought of "Am I enough?" shows it's ugly self all the time.  If I let this thought creep in and fester, then I'll fail. THAT THOUGHT TERRIFIES ME! Yes, I may DNF, or not meet goals that I may set. That is a reality of ultrarunning, but that's not the failure that I'm referring to. I'm talking about the failure that I gave up, that I was not enough, when I shouldn't have. I'm afraid of letting friends down that have supported and believed in me, especially if I don't believe in myself.  That feels weird. It feels conceited, arrogant, and a bit self-absorbed, but I know that in ultrarunning, you have to be a bit of all these things to need to be to accomplish these big goals. 

Me: "I don't want to do this anymore, I want to quit"
Jenna: "It's okay to feel that way, it's what you do with that feeling that matters!"
(Ice Age 50k, May 2016)

A special gift. One of my favorite quotes

I am starting to see the change, be it ever so slight. Over and over again I surprise myself during training, on what I've been able to do. I know a few years, maybe even a few months ago, I would have come up with excuses not to head out. I haven't. I've laced on my shoes, I've gotten out the door, and I've done what I set out to do.  I need to let that stubbornness and determination continue to be my guide. Will there be setbacks? Probably, I'm human, and I'm scared.  Will I still need my friends to help me out, when I don't have the energy or belief in myself? Of course I will, and I hope they are there for me, but maybe they will have more patience and energy to help me during these tougher times. 

So now, instead of thinking and saying "Am I enough?" I will try to use the words "I am enough." Even if something goes wrong.....

~Dedicated to those that believe in me, 

even when I don't always believe in myself

When you Plant a Seed...

It all started on June 5, 2016... Caolan had just finished her 2nd 100 mile race up at Kettle Moraine State Forest. I had paced her for 22 miles that night. Wait... scratch that, okay, let's be honest here, the seed was planted sooner at the Earth Day race back in April. However, that little tiny seed needed just a little water, just a little nudging, just a little fire to ignite my soul and make it grow. That's what Kettle did, it confirmed that I wanted this. I couldn't get it out of my head or out of my heart, the fire had been stoked. So on June 7th (or 8th) I signed up for the North Face Endurance Challenge 50K. 

The summer training went really well, almost too well. I kept waiting for the injuries to pop up, for my body to say NOPE! But it didn't happen. I trained well, I hit almost every single workout on the schedule (with very little tweaking by Caolan). My running buddy Jenna was training for Chicago, so we kept each other going on those 5am runs. 

The few weeks before the race were rough. I was a mess, my anxiety attacks were at an all time high. I am so very thankful that I have now surrounded myself with a few special people who lift me up, who support me, who are honest with me and tell me when to stop! 

The night before the race Caolan posted on my wall a special message that I carried with me for the whole race... 

“The ancestor of every action is a thought” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson Do not forget the seed that was planted back in June - the thought that grew and now the action before you. Remember that it is your mind that matters here. Your body will do what your mind wills. Have a wonderful adventure, even through the pain, the thoughts of 'Why the fuck am I doing this?", the highs and the lows, and then the lower lows which then fade into the next high. If your mind wills it, it will be..."

Race Day is here.....I was scared as hell, but relieved that I would no longer have to think what if... "I don't move fast enough, ...my legs give out, ...my stomach bothers me." It was go time...

Jenna and I at the start Ann, Mark, myself, and Dave ready to go! Ann and I met up as we planned and we had talked of hanging together as long as we could together. We knew we had our own races to run, but when it's 31 miles, a buddy for at least some of it is nice! We started out onto the main road towards ZZ. It was already warm and humid and I had a feeling it would be a long day. Love this photo Jenna got of us out there running! Ann and I moved along the first few miles. We past the first aide station at mile 1.8 and of course Jenna was there cheering us on. Onward we went. We were both familiar with the rolling cross country skiing trails and hills that we were currently on. We had trained on them before. I do love the tall evergreen tree stands. They make you feel so tiny but fill you with awe at the same time on just how beautiful they are.  Somewhere along the Green Loop in Scuppernong We made it back around to the Scuppernong Aide station and Jenna was there with fresh bottles. It would be the only time that I would be able to "officially" get crew support. A quick assessment and I realized that my stomach was already getting that bit of a queasy feeling. I knew that I had to keep that in check today as it tends to be my undoing lately A quick handful of skittles and and off we went again. We continued on into a hilly but runnable area. I felt like I was going a bit fast, so I mentioned to Ann that I needed to slow down and back off a bit, and that she could go on at her pace. I was fine. Actually I was having fun, despite the heat and humidity that had my shirt soaked already. Early in the race when I could still jump I was pleasantly surprised to see that my crew Jenna was not going to have any of this rule following! At mile 11.5, she was there cheering me on. A quick change of a water bottle that was sloshing and driving me nuts, another assessment on the stomach, a quick trip to the medics for ice. I learned quickly that ice in the sports bra is an amazing thing, and just because there wasn't ice out in the open, didn't mean there wasn't any. I would do this several times! Off I went again. Ann and I seemed to be playing a game of leap frog as I caught her again off and on through to mile 17, then I lost her (found out later her IT really gave her grief but she finished! I was so happy I had her around the first half). I knew this stretch was going to be long (and hot!) so, I decided now would be a good time to pull out my first brain bag note. See, Jenna knows me, she knows that my mind is my worst enemy. So she wrote me little notes that I could pull out for a smile, or inspiration. The first note said "FUEL!" Yep, she knows me. So I take a sip of my fuel. Then the next "Tell the negative voices in your head to STFU!" Okay, these are good! Then came the meadow....I knew it would be hard, but I never realized how many hours I would be in the baking sun. I think there was a breeze, but I couldn't tell. I knew how I would have to deal with this.... I would have to walk, A LOT... So I did, and I was okay. I trudge through the unevenness of the meadow, running when I could, walking when I had to. Just trying to put one step in front of the other.  The meadow  was very excited to see that the Wilton aide station come up, but even more excited to see that Jenna was there! Her happy face was a welcome sight and she did a great job of making sure I did another assessment on how things were going. There may have been some bad words about the meadow, but I was starting to lose focus at this point. Moving forward and drinking fluids were the only thought I could muster.  Wilton Aide Station 16.8 miles The miles kept ticking by and we kept finding ourselves back in the meadow. However, at some point, I really don't remember when but I know it was before 22.5, I think, Jenna appeared again!  She was definitely persistent!  Always with a smile, always with an encouraging word.  Her being there mattered! More Meadow Things were getting blurry now and I think body parts were starting to hurt. I'd kicked my fair share of rocks with my toes, and they were starting to bark at me. I kept hydrating and occasionally fueling with the tailwind and a Cliff Banana Mango Coconut pouch. I don't think I really paid much attention to where we were or what was around me. It just seemed like there was MORE meadow, sand, a access road of some kind, and I noticed the sound of hunting rifles (and the sign that said open hunting starting September 1.... UH OH!). A good reason to NOT pull out the music. Then I noticed a young woman walking and attempting to run occasionally. She was doing the marathon and looked like she was in rough shape. The thing that stuck out to me was that she had NO water bottle. The aide stations were 5 miles apart, temps were near 80, and I know the humidity was still up. There was no way she was going to make it standing to the next stop.  I offered her some tailwind, which thankfully she drank. The aide station was coming up within the next mile or so, and her significant other was pacing her (against the rules, but he had no water either) so I was hopeful she would be ok. Then my favorite part, the photographers. I had been seeing them a lot today (I ended up with 47 pictures of me!) and was making fun of them picking some of the worst spots for good pictures.   Why are you taking pictures here?! I've got very little run left! (the woman in the background had no water bottle at all) Finally Aide station #5. I had been slowly checking off each aide station, making note that I would not be missing cutoffs and that I was good on time. It was a mental game I played with myself all day. Since Jenna wasn't here, it was quick fill of the bottles, sports bra full of ice, tried to eat food (nope), and off I went again. Aide Station #5 (missed Jenna at this one, she was out running her own long run) The next 5.3 miles were hell! Here is the course description with my commentary in parentheses, "This stretch of the horse trail (I actually ran into horses that were not too happy to see me) contains a few extremely sandy sections (SO MUCH SAND!). Runners will want to run along the side of the trail to avoid the sand as much as possible (didn't help). The horse trails are mostly wide and flat (liars!) but this section does have a few rolling hills (with loose rocks) and one of the longer uphill (longer? It went on forever and was so steep people were walking up backward) segments on the course."  Yep it sucked!!!  Lots more brain bag letters came out and I might have hit my low point in this section. It was the first time all day, I thought, "I have a long way to go yet..." My feet were hurting, my quads were screaming at me, and all I could do was walk because you just couldn't run on this crap. Thankfully at the end of this, when I was was at the lowest of my lows... Jenna was there once again to cheer me on.   Jenna coming out to find me at mile 27.7 Another final fill of the water bottles, have I mentioned I'm tired of Tailwind and NUUN? Another full sports bra of ice, and I'm off for the last 3.7 miles of my race.  My mind was very quiet and reflective here. I thought about my husband and boys, who puts up with my crazy and just smile and shakes their heads. I thought about Caolan, who helps me be brave, who nourishes my seeds of adventure and calms my fears with wisdom beyond any I have ever met. I thought about Jenna, who took a day away from her family to be there for me, just because she wanted to. I thought about my friends and family who encourage me, even if they don't understand. Brain Bag notes I finally made it back around to Scuppernong, and the last 1.8 miles, I knew this section, so it was like seeing an old friend. I ran what I could, but my body was tired and each step hurt my battered feet. I crossed the road, and began the final run down ZZ for the last mile or so. I couldn't believe I was almost done with a race that I never thought possible. I thought my body would fail me. I thought my mind would fail me. I thought I would let down my friends, my family, myself...and I cried. Tears of joy, tears of triumph, tears for the fact that I DID this, not anyone else.  No one could say "Well, you had a pacer", "Well it wasn't a hard race" "Well, it wasn't that far"  This was all me.  My mind, my body, my heart stayed positive. I smiled and I cried some more as I crossed the finish line.  Crossing the finish line trying to hold in the tears More tears and more tears and a hug for Jenna I learned a lot about myself this day. My task now is to take the lessons I learned and hang on to them and not let the self-doubt and anxiety take control of me, because when that happens, how can I continue to be brave and live a life full of adventure and love? Live, Laugh, Love, Run!

What Fuels your Fire?

Fear of Missing Out, It's a real thing. Especially with Social Media and the circles that you travel in. You see what others are training for. You see the progress, the pitfalls, the races, the oohs and ahhs of the masses when they finish, and you feel like that should have been you. You could do that, right? An then that inner voice, says, "Hell No! You're not made for that! You'll break"...on and on it goes. That perpetual argument in your brain which is based on what you see and hear... Not what you feel.  

As Caolan has told me time and again, STOP!  Close your eyes, take a breath, and look deep inside to see what makes you happy. What fuels your fire.

That has been me for the last few months.  Sure, I've been training for some races I have on the calendar, but this year is different. As everyone is laying out their 2016 plans, I've been sitting here trying to decide what I want, what makes me happy, what makes me take that extra little breath and think "Should I?"

But it's not an ultra or some epic huge marathon that is making me excited this year.  It's the trails. The simple trails.  As a kid, my family would go camping and we would hike in the woods of Wisconsin for hours.  I loved it! It made me happy!  Fast forward to being an adult...it hasn't changed.  Every time I go hiking, or go to Colorado, just walking out on Caolan's trails, it makes me smile. I am a giddy little girl when Caolan, Abbie, and I go hiking up in the Rockies.  It makes my soul soar and my heart happy.

My Favorite View in Colorado

Hiking in the Rockies with Caolan and Abbie

So this year I will concentrate on running through the woods, or the mountains, or even around some lake at a park. I will feel the earth underneath my feet, look up at the trees or at the views. Slowing down to walk when the trail gets technical, running when I can, and just being present.

Mud and snow and Happy Feet

So my advice to anyone, as they watch the whirl of Social Media and feel like if they don't run further, faster, do more... is this....

I'm not missing out on anything.  I plan on helping and cheering on my friends who are taking on their own challenges and encouraging them on what fuels their fire. The race distance doesn't matter for me right now. I just want to run and be.... that's my goal for 2016. 

Still Waiting and Recovering

It's been almost 4 months to the day of my foot surgery, and guess what...I'm still waiting and recovering. It looks very different than a few months ago, but at times it feels very much the same. I still hurt, I still worry, and I often don't see things getting better. 

(Now, before I go on, I have this disclaimer that I really do have the best husband and best friends in the world and they have been there every step of the way. However, this is how I've been feeling lately, and I feel that writing and getting it out there is the only way for me to move on).

The race season for everyone else has begun and many have run their first, or even second or third marathon of 2014, and yet still I sit and wait and recover. I knew it would be awhile and I thought I could handle it, but lately I feel like I'm doing a sucky job of it. In all reality, I'm very very sad. 

I've been going to physical therapy twice a week for 8 weeks now. I never miss, I always work hard, I do my home exercises (most of the time) and I try to cross-train with swimming, biking, and walking. I've even signed up for a sprint triathlon in August, thinking that would give me a reason to "train." I'm "progressing" according to the PT.

However, I'm missing running. Not just getting out there, but the peace and sanity it provides me. The quiet that I get in my brain that never ever stops (not even when I sleep). I feel lost and confused inside my head; day and night. I can't escape the twinges of pain, the aches in the foot, or the knowing that I can't run the way I want to....the constant reminder that I am "fixed" but yet still broken. 

Lately, I have felt like giving up running, fitness, and being active entirely. Why bother, why care... why even try?  It seems pointless because it seems there will always be a next step in my recovery. 

I often feel like I'll never be recovered and my friends will outrun me, even outgrow me, and once again I will be alone in my broken body and alone in my thoughts where the demons will devour me. (Maybe that explains the dream I had last night with fighting the snakes and demons that never seemed to stop!)

Within all this darkness and sadness, a quote that my dear friend sent to me plants it seed in my mind...I can feel it trying to take hold...to root itself into the sadness that some days consumes me... and every once in a while I feel the hope.....

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up." ~Anne Lamont

*special thanks to Caolan for the quotes from Anne Lamont... visit her blog at http://www.chronicrunner.com/

Waiting and Recovering

Being injured sucks! There's no two ways about it. You sit on the chair day after day with your injury staring at you in the face, with the twinges of pain, a constant reminder that you're not better...yet.

Now, I'm trying to stay positive, and it's hard. Really hard. I have an amazing group of friends cheering me on, sending me love and healing. Which helps some, but it's still a struggle. 

I'm not one to sit still. I absolutely hate it! I'm always bouncing around the house, bouncing around work, I just bounce! However, yesterday, things changed. I fell. I was managing my way around the kitchen in my knee scooter and tried to turn. The wheel caught and it fell, and I along with it. Of course what's the first thing that hit the ground, my right foot. Yes, my foot that just had surgery 7 days ago. My foot that has a bone anchor in it holding my Posterior Tib Tendon in place.  Amazingly, I didn't curse as I went down (very quickly). I think it was something more of a painful primal scream. Everyone came running into the kitchen and I just sat there....in too much pain to even cry.  I managed with some supervision from my husband to get into bed and elevated my foot and iced it for the next few hours. This morning, I called the doctor explained what happen. Tomorrow morning, I will be heading back for more X-rays to make sure nothing came undone. That thought terrifies me! I don't want surgery again. I don't want to be out longer than I need to be. So I wait and hope I just irritated things and with rest and following rules things will calm down. 

This is my recovery spot!

It's no longer about wanting to run. Don't get me wrong, I really really want to run, but it's about getting my life back. It's about not being in some sort of pain 24/7. You see, this injury has been going on for over 3 months. In a sense it's defined me as the"injured runner". What's really sad, is that I have left that happen. 

I have a lot of work to do to get myself in a better mental place, and it is a lot of work. I need to be a patient patient and let myself heal physically. I need Ito let people help me and ask for help. But hey, I have another 2 weeks off of work to work on all of that...So the journey continues....and as my friend, Caolan, has reminded me...

Chicago Marathon 2013: The True Story!

"Whether you think you can, or think you can't...You're right!"  ~Henry Ford

On October 13, 2013, I finished my second marathon.  It didn't go like I wanted. It was ugly, it was painful, and I'm trying to figure out what went wrong. I'm trying to learn my lessons from this bump in the road.

The weekend started out amazing!  Saturday morning I was up early and ready to go. Hubby took me to the train station and I excitedly posted my anticipation to the world on Facebook! I couldn't wait to see all my friends from near and far. I was on top of the world. I knew my goal, and I had this! (People had told me this all week).

I feel like my mistakes started happening early on in the day. After we finally met up and dropped off our gear at the hotel, Jeni, Rylee, and Caolan made our way to the expo. We excitedly made our way around to pick up our bibs and shirts, then lap two, and walked around again, lap three.

Take a magnet, sign the sign!

"My Running Friends" Facebook Group!

Having fun at the Expo

This is what I wrote

I was trying to find something specific, so for the fourth time Jeni and I took another lap. No luck....I knew all the walking was not the best, but I felt awesome!!!  How could that be a bad thing? AND I was lucky enough to meet Deena Kastor. How cool is that!

After the expo, we made our way to the hotel. Luckily the room this time didn't have plastic covered mattresses and the room was much bigger with the kitchenette. We chilled for a bit, then made our way to dinner. 

Dinner at the Rosebud

We sat down, chit-chatted got our menus, and then it hit me... OH NO! I'm not hungry, I can't eat... I'm going to lose it.... I could feel the anxiety getting the best of me, I was crawling out of my skin. I wondered if anyone could see the fear and anxiety in my face. I tried to brush the feeling of "I'm doomed" away. I smiled and picked at my food, pretending to eat some, but I knew I wasn't fueling enough. 

Another mile walk back to the hotel (Gosh, I've been on my feet alot today). We settled in to our hotel room. I choked down some instant oatmeal I brought, hoping it would help with the nerves (it didn't). I was so jealous that Rylee and Jeni could fall asleep so easily. Caolan and I tried to watch "Spirit of the Marathon" through some sketchy wireless internet. Eventually, we gave up and went to "bed". I would have said to "sleep", but sleep didn't happen. I was also worried I'd wake Caolan, so I tried to lay there quietly later finding out, she wasn't sleeping either. 

The alarm went off, 6am! We got up, got ready, quickly wrote down my splits on my left arm, my inspirational quote on my right, and off Caolan went for her earlier wave. This killed me, I wanted to scream, "NO! Don't go!" I tried to believe I could do this, but honestly, I wasn't so confident anymore. Again, I brushed it off, put on my happy face, and made my way downstairs and met up with my running buddies for the race.

Pre-race jitters

In true Chicago Marathon form, we had issues with the porta-potties. Lines were too long, so Eileen, Esther, and I didn't get to use it one more time before the race. UGH! oh well, according to a friend I have a bionic bladder, so no worries for me.

The second wave always takes forever, so finally at 8:15, we crossed the start line, and we were off!  YES! finally, here we go. The first few miles went by like a breeze. I tried to watch my pace but my GPS went nuts. I couldn't tell how fast or slow I was going. I tried to watch my split at mile 3. I knew I was a bit ahead, but didn't think it was that far off (it was). Eileen had to split off from us around mile 5 due the lack of using the porta-potty before the race; so it was down to Esther and I. Around mile 5-6 things started going really wrong for me.

Now, if you get a squeamish you may want to skip this part. I was informed that some "snot rockets" needed to be launched but it would be done a distance away. Okay, shouldn't be an issue. NOTE: I apparently have a HUGE gag reflex and don't do well with snot rockets. For the next 5-7 minutes, I gagged and dry-heaved! Sadly, I think I pulled a muscle in the process too! From that point on I felt like someone had punched me in the gut and I couldn't recover. It hurt, I couldn't catch my breath, and I knew I was going to have to adjust my goals.

Around mile 11, I had to let Esther go on and run her own race. She felt strong, she was running great, and I couldn't let myself hold her back or let her pull me along anymore than she had. I had to finish my own race. However it was going to look, it had to be done. So I sent her off with a smile and a wave!

I made it to mile 13.1 before I had to make a final decision. Keep running and have the potential of not finishing, or walk "my race pace" and get through this marathon. If anyone has had the pleasure of walking with, they know my "race walk" is not a Sunday stroll pace. 

I'm not sure at what point the foot and knee started hurting, but I remember at some point that every time I tried to start running again, the pain would pierce through and up the leg. So again I walked. I walked through all the neighborhoods noticing all the things I didn't last year. The hardest part was that I noticed that people didn't cheer for the walkers. It felt like they were looking at you with a sense of sadness; "AWWWW, poor thing, she's walking." Ugh, I powered on. My best that day would look different, but it would be my best THAT day!

It was warm, I felt miserable, but I powered on.....

at least I wasn't the only one struggling in Chinatown

Finally the 26 mile mark appeared. Okay, I can run the rest of this...well, jog it. I crossed the finish line, arms held high, tears in my eyes. I did it! I finished my second marathon. It was horrible at the same time it was amazing. 

Walking through the finisher chute I finally saw a familiar face; Julie. 

She took one look at me and said, "What's wrong?" 

That's it! I lost it. I bawled! "Everything went wrong! I couldn't do it!! I failed." She hugged me tight and gave me some words of encouragement. 

I left Julie so she could celebrate her success with her friends, and I walked on trying to regain some sense of dignity. In reality, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry some more. 

Finally, I found Caolan. She put her arm around me and we meandered to a spot to sit down and wait. I felt like I let her down, like I let myself down, like I let everyone who followed me down. 

A very exhausted and sore runner

 Here we are, almost a week later. I'm still processing. I'm still grieving that it didn't go as planned. I have my ups and downs. However, at the same time, I can feel that grim determination of the runner I've become that I won't let this race define me or force me to give up. I will trudge on, I will run another marathon..... and I probably won't wait another year.

"Whether you think you can, or think you can't...You're right!"  ~Henry Ford