Success or Failure? Failure or Success?

I failed! I'm a quitter! I suck! You did your best! Keep moving! Maybe you can make the cutoff if you get to Bluff by 10pm. These are the thoughts screaming in my head starting at mile 51.6 as I left Horseriders and began the climbs back up to Bluff. Replay over and over again. Power hike, Shuffle, wince in pain, rinse and repeat. My feet hurt and my heart hurts. 

The final light of the day between
Horseriders and Bluff

Coming into Bluff at mile 56.5 already after 10pm, I knew I was done. I wouldn't be making it to the 100k cutoff. That aid station is a bit of a blur, almost as if it were in slow motion in the dark. I knew Caolan would be there and I hugged her tight as I cried. (well you can't really cry when you have no tears to cry). Then, I realized Andrea was there too, asking what I needed. I remember turning around again and seeing Annie there and breaking down as she was supposed to meet me at the 100k, that I knew I wouldn't get past.  There were others that surrounded me, I don't even know who they were. But they were all part of the trail tribe, trying to comfort and console me. Maybe they thought I was quitting there as I came to find out that lots of people dropped at this aid station. They were all there and I remember saying, "We need to go, I need to finish the 100k."

So, Caolan, Annie, and myself moved on towards the finish. It's a long 7.4 miles through a bit more meadow, hills, valleys, and darkness. I regret not looking up at the stars, as the sky was crystal clear and brilliant. I flipped between sweating and freezing as we moved up and down that part of the trail. Even during that section I still continued with ups and downs. I could move, it wasn't my legs. Sure they were tired, but they were still able to power hike. It was my feet. Blisters had formed under toes, in the ball of both feet and on one ankle. And I was getting dehydrated again. I could feel it with every tiny sip I forced out of my water bottles. 

But there was comfort in those last 7.4 miles and I reflected on the life I lived in those previous 56.5 miles.So let me back up and tell the rest of the story. 

Packet Pick Up
Photo Credit: Caolan MacMahon

Pre-race Photo. I was so happy to be there!
Jennifer Thorsen Photography

18 months in the making, that's how long it took for this race to finally start. In 2020, it was meant to be a celebration of getting ready to turn 50 and start "the next chapter" of life. Then Covid hit and the world went on pause. 

Finally on June 12, 2021 the race would finally happen. I was a bit undertrained because of some sort of non-covid virus I had at the end of March where I coughed for 10 days straight, dislocating ribs from coughing and having some serious intercostal muscle strain. I am thankful that I have Lindsay, my fabulous PT at Beyond Physical Therapy, and Patrick, my friend and chiropractor! Then at the end of April, I found out that I am anemic which resulted in a EDG and colonoscopy the week before the race. Did I use these reasons as an excuse on how things went? Maybe? I don't know. 

My hopes and dreams still alive for the 100 miler
Photo Credit: Caolan MacMahon

The race started at 6am. The air was thick with humidity as you could see the moisture filled sunbeams through the trees. The first 7.4 miles clicked along and as I made it through Bluff, I texted Caolan and told her I was through. She asked my pace...13:44. Her response "excellent." 

You could see the humidity in the air on Nordic

Melissa and I heading up the hill as the rays surrounded us
Photo Credit: Jennifer Thorsen Photography

Bald Bluff

From Bluff to McMiller though, things got rough. I shared some miles with Melissa as we both felt the heat and disappointment that Bluff didn't have ice on our way out. The tree covered path did not provide relief from the heat and humidity. It embraced you and suffocated you slowly as the air wasn't moving and you could visibly see the moisture in the air. Near Natalie's aid station I did a full on superman into the grass. I felt my head whip back as I hit the ground. I rolled over, got up and walked a bit to assess any damage. Aside from a headache (my head never hit) I was okay. However, by the time, I got to McMiller, I was dehydrated, sore, and crabby. I wasn't peeing but the urge was constant and painful. I saw Caolan waiting for me as I came around the corner. We got to the chair and I plopped down. Caolan shoved some Infinit in my hand and said DRINK!!! I half seriously, half joking said I wanted to quit. Scotty and Holly came over to help. My feet were dried as best as they could and Holly helped me change socks, while Scott gave me words of encouragement to get out of his aid station. I think I tried to quit again, but Caolan shoved me out of the aid station and said see you at 67! After a few miles, I started feeling better. The low had left, and my energy returned. 

Then the meadows. I know how hot those meadows can get and I was dreading them. But strangely enough, those were some of my best miles of the day. There was a bit of cloud cover, a slight breeze, and I was able to run/walk through them. At every aid station I filled my sleeves and bandana with ice. Refilled my hydration and kept moving. I knew I should be eating real food, but my body had told me at some point, "You can let me try and keep you cool, or you can eat food, but you CANNOT do both!" So I made the decision that the liquid calories, gels, occasional bites of chips and Coke would have to be enough until the temps dropped later in the evening. 

Hwy 67 was a buzz of activity. A routine had settled in. I'd sit, Caolan would help me with my feet, fill my bottles, and I would think how lucky I was that she was there. At some point, Andrea, shoved a popsicle in my hand, filled my sleeves and bandana with ice, I was SOOO sick of being wet all day, and off I went out of the aid station. 

The trail up to Scuppernong and the Scuppernong loop was a living hell. There was so much climbing and the sun had reached the peak and it must have been hottest part of the day. The air was completely still within the tree canopy and my ice had melted within a few miles. I could feel the trees closing in around me, squeezing and suffocating whatever positive thoughts I had out of me. Thoughts of a DNF began to creep in. Ultra Math at this point is hard and pointless, but I tried it anyway. I just wanted to be done. 

Finally I saw Caolan, in her bright neon green shirt. I yelled something to the effect "I'm coming! I'll get there!" We walked to the car, I sat down and the routine of filling bottles, drinking liquids, and foot triage continued. This stop took a bit longer. My feet were really getting bad at this point. Rubbing alcohol poured over them allowed for some of the moisture to be absorbed but the hot spots were there. I could feel them and hoped that my feet would hold up. Off I went again. 

On my way back to 67, I know knew I was more than halfway back to the 100k mark. My feet grew some wings and I ran the whole section (which was downhill) feeling refreshed. I bounced into 67 and received some very surprised looks, having reached the aid station quickly. This was a quicker stop with bottles filled, words of encouragement given, some chips stuffed in my vest, and off I went back to the meadows. 

The meadows were still a bit of a relief from the rest of the course. The sun was hot, but even the hot breeze helped in it's own strange way. I was once again able to run/walk this section. The horse flies were out, but they weren't terrible and apparently the tape I had on my hat was backwards, so it wasn't helping anyway! Finally I started passing people. Then suddenly I needed to go! NOW! All of the liquid I had been consuming to combat the dehydration had made it's way through my system. I searched frantically for a tree. Nothing. Okay, I'll try and make it to the next tree section, so I began to walk faster. Now the thing about trail running, you kind of lose your sense of decorum and filter on what you say. As I was passing this woman, suddenly the flood gates opened! There was nothing I could do. the stream flowed down my leg into my shoes, and all I could say was "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! I'm peeing my pants! Oh wait, I'm still peeing! Sorry! SORRY! SORRY!" all while laughing at the absurdness of it all. I took out my extra water bottle, rinsed off as best as I could, all while not missing a step!  

Back at McMiller, I laughed and informed Caolan that I would need a towel to sit on as there was an incident in the meadow. I removed my shoes and socks and told her now was a good time for new shoes. I also knew then that the cutoff was really close and since my watch mileage was off, I no longer knew what my average pace was, so I tried once again to do ultra math with the time of day. But throughout the day, Caolan kept telling me, it's all still possible and she would see me at Bluff! I vowed to myself kept moving as fast as I could, just in case I made it with enough time to get back out. The whisper of the 100 mile finish may have gotten quieter, but it hadn't died......

So many long, steep hills on McMiller loop

I now find myself back in the Nordic loop with Caolan and Annie. We tell stories to each other, laugh, and reflect on a day that didn't go as planned. They wait for me as I gingerly walk up and down each hill. We cheer on the runners going back out for the 100 miler. At some point, Tricia comes flying at me (I'm not even sure which way she was going!) pinches my butt, and brings another smile back to my face. Tricia was my cheerleader/jeerleader for the day. I'm not sure how she did it, but I swear she was at every single crewed aid station cheering and jeering me on and lying to my face telling me how awesome I looked! 

With about a mile to go, Andrea joined us. She had walked out from Nordic to help bring me in. My tribe was there. These people were there just for me at that moment. They took time from their busy lives to help me reach my goal. I know I will never be able to communicate how much this meant to me.

At 12:41am with a finish time of 18:41:57 I complete my longest distance of 100k. Carrie quickly comes over, congratulates me, and hands Michelle a 100k buckle to hand to me. Michele looks at me, and I quickly respond, "No, I'm done. I can't go back out." It turns out she was still letting people head out to go on if they wanted to. I knew I couldn't do another 12 hours of this. She hands me my buckle, I inform her that this is my distance PR, so she instructs me to go and ring the PR bell, which I did. 

Video credit: Annie Weiss

Video Credit: Andrea Webb

I sit down at an aid station for the last time. Broth is put in my hand, a blanket is wrapped around me as I start shivering. We continue with some small talk, but both Annie and Andrea have other runners to help attend to as their job was done with me. Hugs and thank you were exchanged, and Caolan and I walked slowly to the car. The running was over, now I had to deal with the emotions of the aftermath. 

Success or Failure?
Photo credit: Andrea Webb

So did I succeed or fail? Fail or succeed? I am still processing those thoughts days later. I don't know if I will ever have an answer for this question. I don't know if I will ever attempt this again. What I do know is that I have people who love me, care deeply for me, celebrate and grieve with me.

Photo Credit: Susan Donnelly

"Big challenges bring big emotions no matter how they turn out. Most people spend their lives avoiding these feelings and avoiding the challenges that may precipitate these feelings. You know, that quote on your profile picture (see photo above) is never an end-state, a goal, it's a process." ~Caolan MacMahon

Special Thanks:

To my husband and family, thank you for understanding the time and commitment that these endeavors take. Thanks for allowing me to be gone for hours training as you hold down the fort. Thanks for allowing the housework to fall to the wayside, and not complain too much. Thank you for cheering me on and loving me, with my crazy and all!

Annie, thank you for coming to pace me. We didn't even know each other very well when I asked if you would. You were willing to take time from your busy life and training to help me try and achieve my goal. Even when you knew I wouldn't make the cutoff, you were there at Bluff to support me and help me get to the finish. 

Andrea, thank you for keeping your promise that I wouldn't die (LOL!). I knew when you saw me, you were assessing and making sure I was good to keep going. You are selfless and will do anything to help others do really hard shit! Someday I hope to repay you.

Caolan, I will always treasure the memories that I was able to share this amazing and terrible experience with you. The love I have for you is indescribable. You are my friend, coach, mentor, sister, inspiration, and shining light on things that are possible. Your coaching and support helped me get to the start line with the ability to finish something I would have never thought possible or attempted. You traveled over 1000 miles just for me. You spent your entire day caring for me, coordinating supplies, keeping everyone in the loop. You believed in me, when I didn't believe in myself. I will never be able to express my gratitude for all the years that you have been my friend. 

Caolan and I
photo credit: Vivian Briscoe

Why don't we celebrate ourselves like we celebrate others?

Running is sometimes a strange sport. It's one of the few sports where the elites and everyone else run the same course at the same time and are given the same amount of time to finish. Your results are listed in the same place as all the top elite athletes. If you allow it to get in your head, it can create a stark comparison of your performance to theirs. You can think that you suck, well at least I think I do. 

The following bits are from conversations that I've had since running the Black Canyon 60k last week. 

Q: How was the race? 
Me: It was good! I mean I guess it was okay. I finished, but I wasn't very fast and it was really hard for me. 

Q: How far did you run? 
Me: It was a 60k, but we really didn't run that far because they had to change the course the race. So I guess I really didn't do a 60k, so I shouldn't say I did. 

Q: How long did it take?
Me: The race took me almost 9 hours. But that was really slow. I finished way slower than most and pretty close to last.

Q: How did you do in the race?
Me: I did okay, but I finished near the back, so I really didn't do very well.

Q: Congratulations! That's amazing that you ran that far!
Me: Thanks, but really I didn't run very much. I had to power hike a lot of it. 

So many buts.......

Why am I sharing this? Because I know I can't be alone in these feelings. I can't be the only one who has the voice that always comes out to diminish your accomplishments every single time. I'm afraid if I feel really positive and proud of my accomplishments, then I'm bragging. People don't like braggers, it's not a favorable characteristic to have. I know last week, I did my absolute best that I could. Were there things I could have done differently? Absolutely! If there's not a lesson to be learned or something that went well that you could just improve on, what would be the point on continuing these crazy adventures. 

I'm not writing this for people to say I shouldn't feel how I feel or to tell me how silly thinking like this is. Believe me, I know I'm a work in progress. I'm learning things about myself, that I probably should have learned about forever ago. 

I'm still growing and learning; getting to know myself. If you're not changing or growing through each adventure, struggle, success, or change in your life, then you've stopped being a human being, and as Caolan says, you become just a "human doing." 

Until then, I am giving myself permission to have my feelings, process them, and then move on with a new perspective. I am also giving myself time to recover and reset myself both physically and mentally. I haven't done much this week except for rest, recover, eat, sleep, and be with my family without the need to be on a training schedule. And I am trying very hard to be okay with that. However, that is part of another lesson.....

Just breathe and be imperfectly perfect..... Black Canyon 60k

Solo Adventure. I knew it was a possibility from the moment I signed up, but I had always the thought in the back of my mind that Caolan would be there and I wouldn't be completely alone. It didn't happen that way. She wasn't going to be able to go and that is her story: The Beginning: The Teacher Appears. For the first time, I was entirely on my own for an ultra distance race. No crew, no one to cheer for me, this one was all me, and I was terrified. What if I got lost? What if I didn't wake up in time? What if something went wrong? What if, what if, what if??? 

And then I took a breath.... 

I wasn't cut off from the world, I had ways to reach out if needed. So I took that breath and jumped into a grand adventure!

The first part of my journey went relatively uneventfully. I was able to easily rent a car for the first time, stop at Whole Foods, and then to the hotel to check in. Well, I tried anyway. I wasn't able to check in until 3pm so instead I headed off to the packet pick-up. Quick stop there, then off to the finish line just to get my bearings on where I needed to be in the morning. 

Finish Line the day before

Then back to the hotel to check in and get the key to my room. Ummmm....yeah no thanks! The first room I was given smelled like there had been a giant pot party and I got an instant headache. Went back to the check-in desk and asked for another room. Thankfully there was another available, so I settled in for the evening. Spent time getting my drop bag ready, "talking" to people on social media, and trying so desperately to get food in my stomach as I knew that fueling and eating before and during races is always a struggle for me.

Flat me! The sign that Andrea made for me would help keep my spirits up all day!

Some wonderful notes of encouragement from my co-workers

The next morning, of course I awoke before my alarms went off. This was actually nice because it gave me a bit more time to drink a bit of coffee and check on Facebook to read the birthday and well wishes that so many took the time to write. Then I packed the car and drove to the finish line where the bus would take us to the start.

On the bus to the start. A little SnapChat filter fun!

The starting line was cold and muddy. From what I had heard the 100k runners, who started an hour earlier were dumped on by some freezing cold rain. Just walking around caked up your shoes with the sticky mud that add pounds to your feet.  People were bundled up and cold and thankfully I had thrown on my fleece pajama bottoms over my skirt so that I was able to keep relatively warm prior to the start. 

Arcosanti: An Urban Laboratory and the start

The actual start of the race was very uneventful, Jubilee, the RD, was talking on the microphone, but I really couldn't hear here, so I'm not sure what she said, but then suddenly, 3, 2, 1..... we were off!

The first two miles were on a frontage road along the highway, behind the gas station, and then under the bridge to the creek crossing. Now normally, that creek doesn't have much water, but with all the rains they've had it was more of a mini rushing river. The banks were slippery and shoe-sticking. I followed the lead of many and took my shoes and socks off. It was too early to get the feet really wet, so it was worth the extra minutes to take them off, cross the river  (which was thigh-deep and VERY fast) and then reassemble myself on the other side.

I slowly ran along the trail and to be honest, it felt much slower and harder than I would have liked to. Maybe it was the elevation? Maybe the wind? I don't know, but I was slightly concerned early that the effort felt like way too much effort. Okay, breathe...you're okay. You will deal with what lies ahead and get through this. 

I'm not sure where, somewhere between mile 5-7 suddenly, I heard the distinctive sound that was not rain, but sleet (even though I call it hail on the video). It stung my face and my legs, and then I looked out over the desert. 

Thankfully, I had my rain jacket, so I threw on the extra layer for a bit to try and keep my clothes dry and my body warm. I continued to plug along until Antelope Mesa which felt like forever! At this point I realized I was only 45 minutes ahead of cutoffs and also already behind on calories, so I tried to eat something (Fueling issues would once again be a theme for my day). Just as I was getting ready to leave another downpour of hail, again the jacket was on, but my poor legs had no protection from the sleet. 

The section between Antelope Mesa and Hidden Treasure went pretty uneventful, aside from a few mountain bike riders coming up behind you and tearing up the still muddy and sticky trail. The trails were single track, with some switchbacks as you descended down out of the high desert and the cacti started lining the trails. 

There were few runners near me already, and I played leap frog with a few of them as we came into the next aid station. My spirits were down a bit at this point, because I was feeling much too tired for only being 13 miles in and knowing that I had so many more to go. The aid station workers must have sensed that because suddenly the whole aid station broke out in a song of Happy Birthday to me. It was just what I needed to get me going again. So with a bit more pep in my step, filled water bottles, and a cup of pickle juice, I was off to the next aid station.  

The point in the course just past Hidden Treasure was the best part of the course. It took you along this winding trail along a ledge dropping down to your right. The ups and downs were frequent but you could run quite a bit of it too. There was also a slight reprieve of the wind here and the sun was allowing you to finally start warming up enough where you thought, maybe I don't need this extra layer underneath (I was glad later, not to have taken it off). At this point, you have seen the same familiar faces and you begin to strike up conversations. I spent a bit of time with Claire from Canada, but she was fighting some serious ITB issues and had said just starting the race was a win for her. She had already decided she was going to drop at Bumble Bee Ranch as she could not do the downhills any longer without pain. It's always hard to leave someone behind when you know they're struggling, but then you still know you have to run your race too. She bid me good luck and off I went. Then I caught up to Kelly and Joel, who were just moving along the trail, so I fell in line behind them. In hindsight, this was a very good thing. Even though, I could have moved faster than that, I was feeling a bit nauseous, wonky, and off, so slowing my pace and working at getting some calories in was a very wise decision here. 

Sometime after Hidden Treasure Mine Aid Station

We continued down the trail for a while and always seem to get excited when we saw a sign for an upcoming aid station. However, I would note that the signs were way too early, as it seemed to take forever to get to the aid stations after that. 

We made it into Bumble Bee, and by the looks of the crowd and cars, well actually lack thereof, I knew we were so very far in the back of the pack. Breathe! It's okay. The upside of that, is that it was easy to spot my drop bag, since there weren't many left. I grabbed a few more gels and packets of Skratch which went into my pack. I also decided that my shoes were serving me well, so a quick re-lube of the toes (Trail Toes rocks!) and a change of socks and I was ready to go. The aid station food is a bit after the drop bags, so I walked over there and again couldn't decide what/if I wanted to eat, but I saw the Coca Cola in little cups along with some pickle juice.  Downed a few cups of Coke and some more pickle juice and I was ready to head off for the second half (actually this was more than halfway!)

As I started the big climb out of Bumble Bee, I saw Joel not too far ahead. I caught up to him and started chatting again. At this point we decided, we'd stay together for a bit, since it was a long climb and neither of us could run uphill.  I took the lead because the Coke worked wonders and I felt better (note for the future: liquid calories, especially Coke, and Honey Stinger Bites). For these climbs in the race, my power hiking serves me well. I kept a really good pace going up, Joel was able to keep up and we was able to make up some time, I no longer felt pressure about cutoffs. I know, I was never really in any danger of it, but it's always in my head because if something did go wrong, the time would have mattered. I also realized at this point I forgot to grab my headlamp, so now I HAD to finish in daylight hours. Breathe and handle it!! 

This was my second favorite part of the course, as I finally got to get up close and personal with the saguaro cactus. Apparently they only grow at certain altitudes, so we must have finally gotten down low enough to see so many of them.  Poor Joel couldn't look up though, because every time he did he caught his feet, and neither of us wanted him to fall off the sides of the trail and down the sides. This section was short, so it felt nice to get to the aid station so quickly after some very very long stretches. 

Saguaro Cactus field

Gloriana Mine was a bustle of activity! Since the high water course was put into effect this was now the 51.2 mile turnaround for the 100k runners.  We arrived around 2:10pm and the fast runners were coming through. I saw Schuyler Hall (from Run Flat Stay Low) and knew that some of the elites hadn't come through yet since he was filming. So as I got refills on my bottles, more coke, and more pickle juice, I asked him who was in the lead and how things were playing out, just because I was curious how it was going for the Golden Ticket.

Once again Joel decided to keep sticking together as long as both of us were feeling about the same. This was a really long section before the next aid station, and probably some of the hardest for me. The single track with a ledge on one side made it tricky as there were people coming at us and from behind us. We kept having to step off to the side to allow the 100k runners through, but it was very frustrating and I was feeling pretty crabby at this point. I couldn't understand why everything felt uphill and I really couldn't run more than 50 steps before I was walking again. 

During this stretch, Joel and I talked about our jobs, our families, the fact that Joel's daughter was doing the 60k as well and would be waiting for him at the end. I also found out that Joel would be celebrating his 70th birthday this year and the farthest he had ever gone was 30k! He thanked me for helping him and I was sure he knew that he was helping me along too! 

Joel, at almost 70 years old! Amazing!

This section was so very difficult for me mentally though, but each time I would start getting really upset, some 100k runner would come from behind and say "passing on your ____ oh and Happy Birthday!" That made me smile each time and I was reminded on how grateful I was to be out here doing what I loved, and that I could be out here. I will no longer take that for granted and I reminded myself over and over to run/walk happy and be grateful for the things I am still able to do. 

So I continued on, with Joel just slightly behind me. Runners and dune buggies passed us and I said "Good Job" to everyone that passed us coming to or from the turnaround. At this point, I met up with another runner (I wish I had gotten his name), who was having a hard time and knew it was going to take a long time for him to finish. We talked for a bit, he was dealing with an ITB issue as well and could no longer do downhills. But then he also shared that he had just been cleared about 5 days prior to the race from his cardiologist.  He had been side-lined for around 3 months because the doctors found some thickening of his left ventricle and were trying to determine the cause. He was just thankful to be there to experience the race and would finish somehow. I said my goodbyes to him and wished him luck in the rest of his race.

After feeling like I was climbing forever, I got to the top of the jeep road. Joel and I looked at each other with a look of relief and said, "Ready? Let's run..." and we did. We ran down the hill for a very long time. My legs were thankful for the change and even if I wasn't running fast, I was running and for that I am one again grateful. Finally, the road started leveling out again and Joel and I caught up to Kelly. She had left us long ago in Bumble Bee, so I was shocked that we caught up to her. So the three of us were once again in our little congo line just ticking through the miles to the next aid station.   

Soap Creek Canyon aid station. I don't think I was so happy to see an aid station as I was at this moment.  I had run out of water and was just dreading the fact that I had over 5 miles left. So I filled up both bottles with fuel, grabbed some more pickle bites and chips and was ready to go. Then somewhere from the crowd I hear, "Only 4 miles left, well really only 3.9!" I swung around, "What? You have to be f'in kidding me right?!" Nope! Apparently I didn't look at the new cutoffs with the high water course, and all day, the aid stations were not at the mileage that I thought, so I now had less than 4 miles to go! I would be finishing in the daylight, and I had a chance of getting under the 9 hour goal, that seemed to have disappeared miles and miles ago! The only thing between me and the finish was road running and one more section of trails. 

Now, with as much time training on the road for this race, you would think I'd be sailing through this section. Nope! My feet no longer liked any pavement and I was quickly brought down to a run/walk along the highway. It wasn't scenic by any means, but that no longer mattered. I just wanted to see that finish line. 

The thing about running in the desert though is that you can see the aid stations and think you are close, but then you realize they are so very far away. They play tricks on you because you can see them, you go back around a corner and they disappear, and then you come around another corner and they're just a bit closer. This happens for a very long time, over and over, and I think it happened at every aid station. So you never knew how close you really were. 

Finally, we turned off the highway, up a road and into the park that twisted and turned. This is where I had my first glimpse of the finish. I don't know where Joel and Kelly went at this point, because all I could think about was the finish and getting there. Tunnel Vision had taken over with just the end goal in mind. After so much twisted and turning within this little park, I come out on a dirt road and head down it, suddenly there's a quick turn and the finish line is there. I was done! I had finished it. I was handed my medal, threw it over my head, and turned to look to see Joel finish. A quick hug, a congratulations, and he was gone with his family. I was alone again to find my stuff and decide what to do next. 

After moving for so many hours, I quickly started getting cold, so I just wanted my bag. Of course I couldn't find it right away and by the time I did. I was shivering. My only thought was trying to find a place to get some food. I decided that Freak Brothers Pizza and a beer that I had gotten from some random stranger would have to do for dinner. It took a good 35-40 minutes to get my pizza.  I was so cold at this point I tried warming up with a cup of coffee but I was shivering so much that I couldn't hold it without it splattering everywhere. I tried warming up in the car, then went back to standing at the finish line where I was able to thank Jamil Coury for an amazing race on my birthday.

Finally, I drove back to the hotel, showered, warmed up, ate cold pizza, drank a 1/4 of the beer and responded to all the comments on Facebook for my birthday and the race. I was okay. Actually I was more than okay. I was not just alive, but I was living. I had done something I never thought I would or could do. I had an adventure on my own in a place that I knew no one. It wasn't perfect, but it was imperfectly perfect. I had celebrated life in a way that many think is crazy and unfathomable, but it is part of what makes me, me..... 

I want to thank the people that helped my along my journey. Without people to inspire you, believe in you, put up with you, and share the journey with you, the journey would not be complete. Thank you to my hubby for supporting me, dealing with the long hours away training, and loving me unconditionally. Thank you to Caolan, for being my best friend, my mentor, my inspiration, and my coach. Thank you for helping me to cultivate the confidence and ability to do things that scare the shit out of me and believing in me, even when I don't. Thank you for being there this weekend when I know how difficult it was for you. Thank you to Riyanti and Jenna for being my friends, my running partners, and my tribe. Thank you for allowing me to vent, panic, calm down and just get it done. You all me the world to me and my thank you will never be enough....

“Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.” 

― Salvador Dali

Fly..... Potowatomi 50 Miler

Bracelet from Riyanti
December 2017
Quote by: Erin Hanson

The night before my first 50 miler at packet pick-up, I thought there was no way I could do this. I doubted myself, and came up with every excuse I could think of as to why I would fail. The weather was awful, this course was tough, It was cold, it was windy, it was miserable, and I wasn't sure I wanted to try. Then I thought about all the months of training, all the time away from family and friends....all the miles. I had to try, so I decided to put my faith and trust to the test.....

Sushi dinner courtesy of Riyanti's sushi making skills

Race day morning, the alarm goes off at 4:30am. Of course I'm already up since I didn't sleep well. Who sleeps before a race anyway? The temperature was at about 18 degrees, with a "real feel" at 11 degrees. Thankfully the wind had died down and the forecast was for sunny skies, but still cold. So I put on all my winter layers. My thought; by around noon, I'd be able to change into something less "cold weatherish" (what a cute little thought there).

Welcome to McNoughton Park

Cold! but at least it wasn't windy!

I had arrived at McNoughton Park around 5:30am with my crew and pacers, Jenna and Riyanti. The 200 milers, 150 milers, and the early starters had already begun (I couldn't even imagine the weather they had dealt with for the last 48-hours). We stood around the fire trying to stay warm, and I soaked in what I was about to undertake. Five loops, I just kept telling myself, you have "only" five loops, don't think of it as 50 miles, that won't work! Jessica was running her first 50 miler today too, so her and I meandered over to the crowd of people getting the pre-race talk and settled in to the back of the start line waiting for things to begin.....

Temperatures for the Day

Trying to stay warm at the fire

Here we go!

At exactly 6:00am, we were off! Across a field and into the woods. It was a bit like a train, just a line of runners trying to get the feel for the terrain and the course. Some passed, some fell in line, and I just moved forward. Then the course opened into a bit of a field, where people who needed to get ahead could. Jessica and I just moved along chatting and finding a somewhat comfortable pace. I knew we'd be at this all day, so I didn't rush. A mile or so more around the field, and I headed back into the woods and came upon the first hill. It was certainly a bit of a surprise! The hill went up steep and quick, and so the power hiking started early. Then a bit more single track, and I came out of the next set of woods, up a grassy hill, and what did I see on the right? The start/finish line about 100 yards or so away. Unfair I thought! Not only do I have to go through the start/finish five times, I have to see it five times more on top of that? UGH!

Back into the woods I went. Sometimes, I would lead, sometimes Jessica would lead, it seemed to work for us. We still had a train of people behind us, which tends to make me nervous and go too fast, so I did let them pass. Up and through the single track for the next few miles.

As I approached the first aid station I looked to the right and I got a view of a most beautiful sunrise. This was worth the 4:30am wake-up!

Sunrises make me so very happy! And clear sky is a bonus!

I arrived at the Totem Pole aid station, at about 3.2 miles. I grabbed just a plain piece of bread there. I had not eaten breakfast (lovely nerves!), so just getting something in my stomach was important. I knew that I was going to keep water in my bottles all day and just add nuun for electrolytes. I had also decided if I just eat something, even if it was little at each aid station, I would at least be fueling and getting calories in. This was going to be my plan for the day, and supplementing with gels if needed.

I continued on until around mile four, when I got to the first water crossing. That is certainly one way to wake up your feet! It was cold and around calf deep. For the next six miles, my feet were wet! This pattern would continue for the next six miles: dry for four miles, wet for six miles!

First water crossing at mile 4
(picture was during loop 3)

After the first river crossing, I noticed that the terrain started to change. The sides of the hills started to creep higher and higher as I descended lower and lower. The trees were tall and majestic, but still thin enough to bend with the breeze. I ran along the river and could hear the gurgling of the water (I think it was laughing at me). Although I was in the woods almost the whole race and you couldn't see far, it was gorgeous. I couldn't imagine how pretty this place would be once everything had woke from it's winter slumber. But I was snapped back to reality quickly! I came upon Golf Hill! DAMN! It was steep. There was a pretty thick rope wrapped around the trees to help you climb up. Many will tell you that you don't need the rope! I am telling you otherwise. These short little legs could NOT get up over the tree roots without it! The worst part, the rope only helped you up halfway up that hill! Caroline had mentioned that miles four through six were probably the hilliest and toughest. She was certainly not lying! The hills were either straight up or straight down! There were no switchbacks, or easy way to get up or down them, so I just had to climb one way or the other to get through.

At mile six, you coming to Heaven's Gate aid station. This was the Flatlanders aid station, manned by Scott Kummer, from Ten Junk Miles. I quickly introduced myself and looked for something to eat, I grabbed a chocolate chip cookie and I was on my way again through the lollipop loop. This loop was another 1 mile loop that fondly reminded me of leg-bone at Veteran Acres, so I was able to pick-up my pace a bit and run along the ridge, which was situated above the river once again. As I finished up the last little bit of this section, I was taunted by another steep hill that I had to climb before coming back to Heaven's Gate, where I tried to grab and eat some gummy worms, which just happened to be frozen. 

The next two miles consisted of more single track and hills, where you then saw a sign letting you know you were coming to the second river crossing. I was happy to see that there were rocks above the water-line, so I thought I could balance my way, and save my feet from getting cold and more wet than they already were. What a mistake I made. As I balanced my way across the last section, I hit a slippery rock and WHAM I hit the water! Both hands and knees hit the icy cold water, and I felt a sharp pain in my right knee as a corner of a rock caught it in just the right spot. Someone asked if I was okay. "Of course!" I said, "I've already started icing my knee!" Scurrying up the muddy bank, I proceeded on towards the end of the first loop. I only had a mile to go and I thought, no problem, just another mile! Right before you finish your loop, there's another beast of a hill that you must climb before you can get on the path to the tent city!

Hi Honey! I'm back! One loop down! 

Lap one was done! Now the way Potowatomi is set up, you actually stop at your "camp" before you officially finish your lap. My crew was ready for me, but since there was no live tracking, I had sent them a message with about two miles left of the loop. This way they had an idea of where I was. My feet were cold and wet, and my biggest fear was getting blisters, so off came the wet stuff!

End of Loop One: 2:45:10

I put a new layer of Trail Toes on, dry socks, and dry shoes. I decided to leave my winter clothing on, as the temperature had only gone up a few degrees and I was chilly more often then I was hot. Threw a gel in my vest (which I couldn't find later, too many pockets?), grabbed a pancake for on the go, and I was off on lap two with Jessica again.

Now one would think that lap two would be really close to lap one in a ten mile loop. They're not! Food at the aid stations continued to be frozen, so you had to be careful what you bit into or you could break a tooth. I found pickle juice shots at Totem pole, and I knew that would help keep the twinges of cramps under control. Somehow at mile six, right before Heaven's Gate a magical
Port-o-Potty had appeared with a full-supply of toilet paper. It was glorious! It was still bone-chilling cold so a half a cup of coffee at Heaven's Gate helped in warming me up a bit. The river was still freezing cold, and after I crossed the first one, I was completely annoyed as I had to stop several times as the insoles of my shoes kept floating to the tops and up against the tips of my toes! 

The sun had come up and was shining brightly and even though the temps were still in the low 20's, sunlight does it's job. It melts things! The firm frozen dirt of the trail became a mud-filled slip and slide. You didn't run as much as the first loop and the hills became treacherous and difficult. It was bound to happen and I fell. I was coming down a steep descent after Golf hit and I lost control. SPLAT! Into the mud, and down the hill I went. I may have even bounced off of a tree or two. My entire left side was covered in mud and I think I hit my hands and elbow on a tree root. Needless to say, I was not in as chipper of a mood when I came into the tent city! 

How a crew passes the time while
their runner is "out there"
Loop two time: 3:09:11

I know it added time, but I was determined to keep the blisters away, so I changed shoes, socks, and insoles once again. My original plan was to try and do three loops without any of my pacers, but I knew Jenna was eager to jump in, Jessica had already left for loop three, and misery loves company, so I tagged her in. I about died laughing when I saw how giddy she was about getting out there. It was refreshing and gave me some new energy. I could now play tour guide on the loop and let her have the fun of seeing things for the first time!

Loop 3 ready to go!

Off we went again on loop three. Once again, the trail had morphed a bit. The slippery muddy sections had started to dry, so it wasn't quite as treacherous, and I didn't have to worry about taking a digger. The hills had started taking it's toll on my legs, and I knew I was moving slower. I also started to notice that the steep ups and steep downs were getting more difficult as the pain in my knee from the loop one fall increased in intensity. Stopping was never an option, slowing down was, so I did. I took the lead and ran when I could and walked when I had to. At one point, I looked at my watch and saw that I was at 25 miles. I whined, "UGH I've got 25 more miles to go!!!" Jenna's classic response, "But you've gone 25 miles already!" I think I may have thrown an expletive at her for that one!

Jenna kept me company and we chatted away, however, I no longer recall how much we talked or what we actually talked about. Which is nothing again Jenna, just my state of mind at that point. Finally, as we got to the final river crossing a lady made a comment about the river being different, which confused Jenna. Actually it was different, I explained every time we did a loop, the river had been rising. In addition, someone had added new rocks and tree branches in an effort to make a bridge to cross. I did not get my feet wet on loop three at this crossing because of that!

Golf Hill! The rope stops halfway up!
You still have to go the rest of the way!

Exact spot where I fell on loop one.
This is loop three.

Loop three in the books. Now on to loop four. This time I added K-tape to my right knee to provide some extra support as it was really starting to give me fits. Another change of shoes, insoles, socks, food and off Riyanti and I went into the forest. Again I got to be a tour guide, which I was getting quite good at since this would be the fourth time I saw things. 

Riyanti and I starting loop four
Loop Three time: 3:17:00

Riyanti and I had a lovely loop, if one can say that 30 miles into a 50 miler?! We started out and enjoyed the sights and sounds of the early miles. The view was still spectacular and I really started falling into a love/hate relationship with this course. The mud was almost gone, the weather was still cold, and the sun was shining, as it had been all day. I had never changed out of my fleece tights or removed any of my 3 layers on top or my gloves, but I was comfortable in the layers I had. So a cute Skirt Sports picture was not going to happen today. As we reached Totem Pole, I received a phone call from Caolan (I had called earlier but no answer). It was so nice to hear her voice and her encouraging words. She gave me gentle reminders on how eating and drinking were important and to keep doing what I was doing. One of the aid station volunteers teased me about being on the phone, so I responded, "I'm just using my phone-a-friend life-line." Caolan and I did a quick run-down of how things felt and talking to her gave me some additional positive energy and I was ready to move on. Another shot of pickle juice and we were off.

The river had definitely risen, or at least just appeared to be higher (ultra brain?), and Riyanti and I trudged through it. This time however, I noticed something different as I came out of the water. I couldn't figure it out. Suddenly Riyanti says, "I think I have ice in my shoes!" That was it! The water from the river had turned to ice as soon as we exited the water. Yep! It was cold out. Thankfully the ice melted and the cold water warmed up quickly with our body heat. However, once again I suffered with the insoles sliding up into the toes of the shoes! 

For the rest of the lap, I continued to take the lead and ran what I could and walked the rest. I knew I wasn't going to be able to run for much longer. Riyanti could see that the ups and down were becoming very painful, so she suggested that during the last lap I take a trekking pole to help me navigate these steep spots. Riyanti continued to be my amazing and positive company. We chatted as we took in the gorgeous views of the hills and valleys and made our jokes about how this is our little Barkley Marathons, but without book pages or getting lost. The course was getting familiar so I knew when the next hill was coming or the next steep down, and we just kept moving, "smiling," and talking.

We reached the end of loop four and I was hoping that Jenna could join me for the last. Thankfully she did and was still eager to do so (crazy friend). Since Riyanti had to drive us home the next day, we agreed that her doing two laps in a row was probably not a wise decision, but we would text her at two miles out and she would come out there and meet us. She even offered to take down the tent and pack things up. (She would regret that decision I think!)

Start of loop Five
Loop Four time: 3:18:41

Last change of shoes, insoles, socks, layer of Trail Toes, one trekking pole and headlamps and we were off. The sun was just starting to set, so we had maybe an hour of daylight left. As we entered into the first field, we saw a whole herd of deer. Now when one is on mile 40 of 50 miles, quantity of things get blurred. I believe there might have been around eight to ten in that group. Jenna stopped for a picture, but I had to keep moving, I could no longer stop or things would freeze up, so I continued on, knowing she would catch up. As we entered into the second field and again past the power lines, we saw two more large groups of deer. They were out in full force, enjoying the little bits of green grass that were popping up. I want to say we probably saw 25 in all. 

Another call to Caolan, just for some extra motivation, but the connection wasn't as good. The conversation was choppy, at best, but I was at least able to hear her say something to the effect of "Almost there! Keep moving!"

As the sun went down and the headlamps went on, we heard in the distance a huge owl waking up and hooting through the forest. At this point, the forest took on a whole new view. You had a general idea of what mile you were at because you knew where the aid stations were, but the familiar trail no longer looked familiar, you heard sounds and people across the distance.  you could see the glow from another runner's headlamp, either above you or below you, so you could guess if an uphill or downhill was coming. However, I was no longer running. In fact, I hadn't run a step in all of lap five. For this lap though, I pulled out my secret weapon, power walking with grim determination. There is no other way to describe it. I just put my head down and go as fast as I can walk. I used the trekking poles on the ups and downs, and just kept moving with all my might the rest of the time. I don't remember saying much on this lap, except several "fuck you's" to many big hills that I would not have to see again.

I just wanted to be done, I was tired, I was in pain, and I could no longer regulate my temperature anymore. I was so cold, so stopping at the aid stations were no longer an option. I had to just keep moving. At one point I felt my sugar dropping and things were getting wavy, so I grabbed a gel from the pack and choked it down with some water. Just enough to get me to the finish, that was all I cared about. 

Things don't look the same in the dark!
Photo credit: Rick Albanese

I knew Jenna was still there because I could here her footsteps behind me, and occasionally the sound of her feet jogging to catch up. She had been texting Riyanti, but there was no response, so I wasn't sure if she was getting the messages to come out to meet us. A bit after we crossed the last river, I saw a headlamp in the distance, and it was coming towards us. "Marco!" I yelled. No response. A bit further "MARCO!" Jenna yelled, and we heard it "POLO!" Riyanti had found us! They were both going to bring me in to the finish. 

As we are trudging through the last mile, the cold fog rolled in. Things became really hard to see and reality gets a bit distorted. I must have been confused as to where we were. We had gone up a really steep hill, and I was whining that we still had one more hill to get up, and I didn't want to do it. Suddenly, around a corner, I saw it; Tent City. We were there. Excitedly, I said, "That was a pleasant surprise! We already went up THAT hill!" 

I handed my trekking pole off to Riyanti as we passed our tent, and I began to run. I saw it! The finish line! I just need to get there, cross the line, and be done! I had done it! 50 miles! DONE! Now I needed to get in the car and warm up! (I would have my beer as soon as we got to the hotel!)

DONE!
last loop: 3:21:18
Total Time: 15:51:20

Sometimes things that seem impossible become possible because you took that leap of faith and trust. It may take you longer to figure it you, but your friends and family know what you are capable of...

~"BUT, you have what it takes and, you will do this. When I finished kettle with you last year that's when I really saw it. Be you. Be amazing. Do hard shit. That's just what we do, right?"  ~Caolan

You have to learn to trust your body, your mind, your heart, and your soul. And when you do finally let go, and take that jump into a scary, unknown place... you can fly!

Special thanks to Caolan, Jenna, Riyanti, and Bruce for encouraging me, supporting me, and helping me reach my goal! Thank you is not enough!